Why In the World Do I Do What I Do in Bend Oregon?
Contributed by Christy Osterkamp
When I first arrived in Bend, Oregon, I believed all the bad stuff was behind me. I had a new life, a new husband, a new future. When I discovered that my PROBLEMS and WEAKNESSES followed me to Bend, I was discouraged. I thought I had left all of those on the coast!! Having past my fiftieth birthday, I was still struggling with these questions: Why do I feel what I feel? Why do I react how I react? Why do I do what I do, even when I hate myself for doing it?
Ask the question…get a plethora of answers…
The world will give us many answers if we seek them, some of them helpful, some of them not. In a strictly psychological sense, my problems can be contributed to being the offspring of a stressed out, unwed mother, who was unable to hold me and bond with me, resulting in a lack of necessary glucocorticoids in my brain. Compound that with weeks in a foster care system receiving questionable care, learning to walk in a hip spica cast (spread eagle), and topping that off with a childhood of sexual abuse and secrecy in my adopted family, I was a recipe for disaster. So now I understood how messed up I was, what in the world could I DO about it?
Seeking Answers Outside the Box
It is said that the definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. I finally got tired of being on the same emotional cycle of rejection and self hatred, and sought help from a Christian counselor. In so doing, I am learning to grieve my past but not allow it to continue to define me. I am learning to accept graciously those who choose not to be in relationship with me, and cherish and enjoy those who do.
Does the Bible Really Understand Me NOW?
Paul the apostle, who authored many of the books of the New Testament, mirrors some of my feelings in Romans 7:15. “15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
So Where is Our Hope?
Paul continues in Romans 7:21, “21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
Epikos Community Blog
Welcome to the Epikos Community Blog where you can find and read blog posts from members of Epikos Church in Bend, OR. At Epikos we believe in the value of every member and this is a place for members to share about the work God is doing in their lives.